The Rolling Hills

Frogmomma loved people and company. Now she is gone and the house is filled with people. It makes me very sad.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

I'm hiding in the office.  I have hidden here for much of the day since Kolbar didn't go into the office today.  He woke up determined to find out why I was so withdrawn and worried.  Here it is in a nutshell:

1.  We are two months behind on the house payment and he seems completely unconcerned about it all.
2. The compressor went out on our air conditioner and we're going to have to relace the entire unit (with what money?).
3. He talks consistently about taking out the ceilings and making vaulted ceilings and adding onto the house (again, with what money?).
4. There is hardly enough money to pay the bills and buy food.
5. His hours have been cut back to 24 hours per week.
6. Kolbar gets very upset at me when I take little jobs like trailer check jobs or covert shopping jobs because he doesn't want what I do to interfere with what he does on the weekend, especially on the weekends - which is when most of these things happen.
7. Everything that is wrong in our relationship or in the house is because of me and my disability and my hiding from life.
8. I don't try to live life at all per his standards and never have.
9. Me worrying about the bills and money is laughable.
10. Me playing video games at any time is a waste of time and energy on my part.

 

Currently Kolbar is in the living room playing Mass Effect 2 and has been playing it for several hours.  For two weeks prior to this he was playing Dragon Age 2 Both of us are gamers, but I have never had to slip to play a video game before. It's as if what I do is nothing more than wasting my time and energy while what he does is for relaxing because he has a job and a reason to be stressed. He actually laughed at me today because I was stressing over how we were going to make all of these payments.

"Why are you stressed?" he said. "You aren't the one who is working or doing anything? You are just selling a little make-up and making a little money to try and buy some things you want or maybe something for me here and there when you think about me.&q It didn't stop there. My mother has just died and that is far more important than the bills don't you think? What are you doing about that? Nothing! Those words right there went through me like a wooden stake through my heart. I loved Frogmomma. I still do. We are still alive, though, and I know for a fact she wouldn't want us to lose our home.

For some reason our being behind on the house payments is my fault because he said he couldn't make the payments because he had to make the car payment and he would catch it up. He never did, and I am suspecting he won't ever do so. Kolbar also believes the mortgage company won't take the house because he lost his mother and that he can make them not take our house because he is who he is and he can out-argue them. According to him, my problem is that I haven't learned how to out-argue anyone (including him).

One good thing, if it can be counted as good, is that I am running away into the written word. I am reading and writing more because that is the only place on the face of this planet where I can find peace and some semblance of happiness. I am also knitting again because my nerves are pushing me to where I need something to do with my hands.

I am *this* close to putting up a PayPal button for donations for the housepayment here.  I have never been more desperate in all my life!  My blood pressure is reflecting it, too.  Today I have lived on nerve pills, pain pills, and hiding in the office.  Soon I am going to be forced to leave the office (at eight o'clock) and I dread it.

Settled the husband into playing Dragon Age 2 in the living room and rushed back into the office to do...nothing.  I just wanted some space from him and life.  Not forever.  Just for now.  Tomorrow will come and bring all the normal back with it and I'll be forced to be normal with it and have all of these stressors and life will go on flowing and everything will be just like it always is and I'll be fine. 

Didn't get words down on the werewolf goodness but did get words down on the strange sci fi story with creepy love-bird duet killers.  Writing was accomplished today so I am counting this as an accomplishment. 

Tomorrow I am running away to B&N and taking the laptop with me for a few hours, and I do mean a few, and there I have decided I am going to "write like the wind" and get many good words down and get over this hump of fear and word blockage and get things organized and orderly in my head and heart.

Saturday I am going to G'town for tai chi and drama.  Don't want to go to the drama part but have no choice. 

Sunday - Mother's Day.  Having a hard time with Mother's Day without Frogmomma and my own Mom this year.  I feel completely lost.  Kolbar "looks" like he is handling it better than I am, but looks can also be quite deceiving.

I think I need some yarn for a new hat for Haro for Christmas.  I need to finish the scarf currently almost finished and start on a new knitting project or four.  Writing and knitting should go together quite nicely, as well as reading, researching, and holding my tiny little world together.

Have no clue why the world is feeling as if it is falling apart at the moment simply because husband's hours have been cut back to 24 hours per week, lost mother-in-law suddenly, father-in-law is ...., Ricyos is being distant and acting weird, Sniffles is stressing out beyond belief and Ricyos is doing nothing to help her, and everyone keeps looking at me like I can fix everything!  Yeah, I'll jump right on ALL that.

Tomorrow is just for me, words, cafe mochas, and being alive and surrounded by books.

Came down with something yesterday hard core.  Today have managed to keep some liquids in me.  It could all be due to stress and bills and trying to figure out how to make all of the many different ends meet.  You would think after all these years I would have a hang of this, and I do, it's just when the stress hits this hard all I really want to do is just curl up in a ball and hide for a few days.  I can't, of course, hide I mean, but it would be nice just to be able to hide and when I come out of hiding everything would be just fine and all of the current problems solved.

Feeling sort of stressed and sick.  I hope I am not coming down with something.

Osama Bin Laden is dead.  Wow.  Terrorism isn't going to die just because he is dead, but perhaps one branch of it will.  It saddens me to see American people celebrating the man's death while at the same time I understand why they are doing so.  When I found out he was dead I felt relief and a renewed pride in my President and country:  Finally we backed up our bark and regained some of our pride.  This is very important on the world map.  It is a pity it all had to happen this way - Osama Bin Laden masterminded the deaths of thousands of American civilians and now he has paid.  At last.  Enough said.  Thank you, Mr. President.  Thank you, Special Forces Team Six.  Amen.

Haven't written anything today like I had planned.  Have accomplished a few things, though, but haven't knocked the To Do List down by many notches.  All in all I have been just a little unsettled.  I suppose I could blame it on the pain of yesterday, but the truth is - it is because of uncertainty of the book and plain ol' fear itself.  What if this book is published?  This means I have to write hard every day and keep writing!  I look forward to it and at the same time I am afraid of it.  Today is May 2nd and I haven't cracked the 20,000 word mark.  It is close, of course, a good solid day of it and I'll have 20,000+ words done and the book will be moving along at a more rapid pace, especially now I know a plot point (a serious plot point) I didn't know before!  The bad guys are taking shape.  The love connection is happening, almost too quickly, which is great because it is frightening all of us and working out just fine.  I just have to make myself sit in front of the computer and put words down. 

Have set a goal for myself of trying to make a post every day for the month of May.

It rained today.  This really set off the arthritis and kept me from going to Church today, but at the same time let me catch up on a lot of rest.  It appears I seriously needed the rest.

No words down this weekend.  Instead have had quality time with Kolbar.  We both needed it.  Tomorrow should get some words down because Kolbar is going to the gym with Sniffles and along with a very long To Do List, the main thing on the list is writing because August 1 is going to be here before you know it!

Kolbar is snoring in the living room and I am catching up on journals and whatnot.  Life feels good.

Originally posted by birdchick at Thirteen-lined Ground Squirrel Says…

This picture made me smile so had to post it.

Feeling tired and a little worn out. Yes, I know: I should go to bed. So now I am on my way.

I haven't been here in a while. It's strange to come back to LJ and see many old, familiar faces and see how things are the same and different all at the same time. It is almost eerily good and strange.

I didn't think I would ever be back to LJ, but things change in roaming the Internet and as you roam you discover things, many good and some not-so-good, and you learn you need a place to put down thoughts where you can feel more at home and at peace where you can block users/readers and where you can let readers read if you so choose. So, here I am again. At LJ. Luckily I am not depressed or going through hellish decision-making. I am just living life now and need a good journaling home because I have writing homes on the World Wide Web and I am OK with where they are. It feels good, too, having those places. It feels good to return here, to LJ, too. Just a little strange.

Things are different for me, of course, and some LJ friends have been removed because, well, the flist needed to be thinned and most of the friends there no longer have LJs any longer. Those who remain just remain. It is all good as the say.

Working on a new novel. Deadline is August 15th. It is a paranormal romance.